I appreciate being able to write my feelings down and my heart goes out to you all. I am just miserable, with no future in sight. I just had another cry and heart wrenching moment after 1 year and 10 months. It was he and I for 37 years. though I am on a constant roller coaster ride. I too, was 54 and now in my second year of grief. It is almost relieving to have a physical representation of what is occurring on the inside. Look for feathers its a sign there near you. Nothing in life has prepared me for this and Ive been forever altered by it. The stories Ive read on this site are more in line with my experiences. I lost my husband, my best friend in 2016. Thank you for sharing. I had him cremated. So, my big brother ended his life in May of 2019. he was a comic style artist and left me hundreds of incredible images and left me with the nagging sadness of wondering if I could have done something different to change his outcome. He did have some medical issues but he pulled through all of them and then suddenly passed. it never brings back what we had or how do we retrieve. I miss my wife I came home from work 2018 found my wife on the bedroom floor. I try to stay busy but most of the time its just around our house. It's been one year since we lost [name of person who passed]. I took care of him during his last two years . Why am I so weak when I should be strong knowing that we always have to lose someone. I will continue the fight. Margaret, your husband died after 46 years of marriage last year and mine round the same time after 45 years. Maybe its some physical thing. For a long time, fear of dropping the ball was governing my life. He sent me an email before he died. I recently went out 2 eat w/some friends, shared some laughs, but found myself missing my best friend who I had shared so many laughs with over 30 yrs. First, i must say i am so sorry for all the losses of those posted here. Where did that year go? Your loss date was quite close to mine. Its been 2 years since my mom died. I can relate to nearly everyones pain, grief and hopelessness. I read The Year of Magical Thinking and at the end she says that eventually your loved one will become just a photo on the dresser. Though there is one other Uncle, brother of my Mums, he lives in rural Ireland, only has a land line phone, has ongoing mental health conditions. So I had my children to worry about also now the puppies and my husbands family member. She was 2 when he went and she is robbed of her loving gramps. He looked after me when I was young and we had such conflict too. He & I were always together & even had the same thoughts many times surprising ourselves when we spoke of them. (His name was Jackie) I have not had one good day. So much loss for them too. You may feel guilty for being the one who is still alive. Im the only left to help them. He passed suddenly 7-18-16, and I still cant believe he is gone. I struggle to find ways to fill the time and have struggled to find friends who get it. Its been 16 months since my husband of 51 years died. Nothing seems to bring us any comfort or happiness. We have two adult children and want My friends have gone on with their own lives. I lost my wife on December 2017 to cancer. He was sick for over ten years and he was the one who kept my spirits going. I cant believe Ill never see her again or discuss personal issues, deep and meaningful comvos or lighthearted banterJust get through the day..It has helped reading your experiences. We were and still are devastated. Jean was born on September 9, 1940 in Wabasha County to Arthur and Rachel (Kruger . This ache in my heart is unbearable I just want to wake up and feel normal not this horrendous heart ache! I hope you are well, and have found solid ground on which to stand. I used to wake to a tear soaked pillow but that hasnt happened in a while. I waited for the flood of feelings I was sure would come. Actually there have been windows of time, weeks at a time when I havent cried daily but I recently left the country to live in my native UK so I imagine that brought up a lot, hence the perceived regression. He was so caring , so sweet man . He listens. Be patient with yourself. Made some new friends as well, attend a different church. Now, the black pebbles outweigh the pearls, but there are shining days and I pray and am sure for you, and for me, the beautiful pearls will return, one by one. Just stay out of my life Im going to do what I want to do I am in love I am happy he loves me just leave me alone and let me have a life. It will be three years in three months that I lost my husband. 151.9K Likes, 1.5K Comments. I have just been reading through this site and found your response to minelike you..I dont want to socialise..I go to work..come home to the whirlpool of love from my two puppies..you and I are so blessed to have our furriesI know I will never have another soul mate and am so thankful to have been so loved and accepted for who I am ..may our boys rest in peace until we are together again..hope you have settled into your job.work will help keep us both going..hugs..ann. The last few years have been a blur of trauma and sadness. Nothing, nothing, nothing even remotely resembles sanity for me. As much as I hate to admit it (because it wasnt in my nature to even think this way), more often than not I think to myself: Whats the point?. I struggle to find anyone whos gone through something similar since its so rare. So in addition to trying to process her death, I still find myself saying to myself What happened? My siblings grieve with me, maybe they handle their emotions better. I became a widow 25 months ago. Operation, trial drugs immunotherapy, radiation..and they came back worse every time till they couldnt do anything else. We cannot expect them to put on a show. I am an unmarried single man of 46 years Mum lived with me. Scars are a testament to life. He was my everything. I can not and will not just put my son aside like he wasnt an amazing person. Thank you Megan, you helped save my life. A second Christmas without a child. Even though it had been months since it happened, I could see where the earth had been turned over for proably 50 yards. We bought this old farm house many years ago and we worked hard to make it the home we wanted. Many blessings for all of you. My prayers be with you all. Over the next few months I was in the hospital myself six times (not COVID related, though.) Sometimes I think Im to young to be dealing with all this pain but the love I had for him only means my pain is real. She has seen so much suffering. I know thats not possible and I told myself early on that my life had changed forever and I am still trying to get used to the new normal That doesnt stop the pain, though! I know your husband is with you in spirt. But what works for any of us is up to us, ourselves. I have found that others are more concerned about the death anniversary and the month surrounding it than I am. To Everyone, I feel your pain. I dont think this grief will ever get better. We are all different and you will find your path somehow through this grief. The one who had a special smile only for you, who knew your heart and soul, who really cared, and then you are alone. They say part of grieving is to talk about him to people but after 2 years of listening, my sister and cousin are kind of tired of hearing my memories. Nothing has ever hurt so much and felt so hopeless. The Lord is working on that companions heart as we speak, and that person is trying to prepare themselves for a crossroads convergence with your heart. Love and thoughts to everyone who have spoken of the pain, we sadly have to suffer. I feel I have no strength and he would want me to be strong. You WILL be fine, if you let yourself be, give permission to yourself to be. This is my second year and I am having the same thoughts. Im a single mom and work fulltime. Four months he fought from diagnosis to him passing. My heart seems too heavy to carry inside this body. I see little progress in me from when he first passed. Again, thank you and bless you all. I know its difficult. If youre lucky, youll have lots of scars from lots of loves. He is always with me! I lost my husband 2 1/2 years ago and miss him terribly. They sure can kick you when youre down. I thought they were going lock me up. Peace be with you!! I want to be with him. I do not belong in this world anymore. He had lung cancer but had been ill for years and I cared for him all that time . The hymns always make me cry and then I come home, make a cup of tea and play more beautiful songs and hymns. Doctors once said I would never be able to conceive. Cry everyday and pray everyday for strength and hope. Glad I happened onto this website where I can share such deep feelings that I used to share with the love of my life. Thank you my heart goes out to you very much Don. Ive felt so guilty since he passed about everything I could have said and everything I shouldnt have said, it makes me feel sick to my stomach. I wish all of the posters, that god gives you the strength to be happy, smile, to know that your not really alone. I stay positive for my kids and grandkids. i could be just reading a magazine and something pops up she used to like. The course is Christian based but applicable regardless of your belief and faith. Going to church hurts, even though it is suppose to be a healing place, we spent a lot of time together up there. No amount of time can heal the sorrow of your passing away. But heres my two cents. Thanks for your wirds, Ann And if the scar is deep, so was the love. Calculate the difference between two dates. My grief totally took over my life. I keep trying becasuse I know he would want to ,my grown kids need me and my two little grand children need me. I feel guilty that I am still mourning the loss after two years of my brother`s passing. I feel that while I will always miss my best friend and suffer great loss and sadness over her death, this home is a tomb of artifacts for me. Im comforted to know that others feel the same. Its even worse cuz he was a body builder and him losing all his strength in front of me has devastated me h was so strong they it all. Ive been bombarded by e-harmony and match.com. Thank you for your thoughts. I thank God daily for having given me 47yrs with such a great man. They absolutely do not like him Ive just heard rumors about him and they give me total hard ache all the time. unexpected way. I was a nurse for 17 yrs, and I could see the signs. yes Patricia you have said exactly what I feel. I sold our acreage in Iowa and moved to Oklahoma to be close to them. But the assumption for most is that as long as they can get through that, it should be smoother sailing in the days ahead. I used to look forward to this time of year but Im not there yet. Honor wherever you are right in this moment and know that even if it feels uncomfortable, unsettling and uneasy, that its probably exactly where you need to be. When I see couples together, I miss him even more, but I talk to God to help me get through the mental sadness, Stay well- youre not alone. But this Thanksgiving and Christmas is much harder without him. I just found a counselor that I will see the end of July. They tell me they are mourning too but are moving forward. I havent lived since the diagnosis last June. Now nearly two years later I still miss him ddearly. Absolutely no warning. But in between waves, there is life. I didnt get to tell him while looking into his eyes that I loved him so much and him the same with me I wish I could hear him say to me just one more time how much he loved me so. i can stare at the bookwork i need to do and its as far as i get. I now regret it because little did I know he was grieving also, but I never knew because he was being strong for me. I still find myself breaking down behind closed doors, and hate going through the motions of life pretending like everything is fine. There is a limit to the amount of money that we can pay to a family. I pray for all of us that someday we will find true joy again. Im exactly where you are right now! The pain is awful. I am heart broken but as a lot of you have mentioned, it is just a different life of getting used to breathing and coping on my own.. Dont expect today to be hard and tomorrow to be easy. I can barely function and go on. In fact, a week after diagnosis (and at that time we didnt know the prognosis) the tumour haemorrhaged and 2 weeks after diagnosis, he died. Like everyone else who has had a loss the pain seems to go on and on. I lost my husband on 17th December 2016. Cry daily cannot stop crying. Nursed and cared for him at home right to the very end. I just cant think of even one good reason why I am here. Im not sure my beliefs on that score but I do know this.live does not die. In that, certain things will trigger moments of grief that did not occur in year one. I cant make sense of this. Im very tired of it all. then finally she got the all clear and told she was a survivor. I feel so hopeless and Im just tired of feeling like this. The other day, I saw the spitting image of my ex on the platform of the F train. My Lukie died in his sleep in his bed at home. I am 41 and lost my husband suddenly 13 months ago. You can see them coming. My great uncle Moe Doerfler will be gone for 2 years on September 23rd and I sure miss him. I have recently started a new job and have found that at my age, it is so much more of a challenge than it was just 10 years ago. I was compelled to write this because I have no where or no one to talk to about this emptiness that I fear that nothing will ever fill this emptiness because I have lost the past present and future. Now I have hit rock bottom. Now, the black pebbles outweigh the pearls, but there are shining days and I pray and am sure for you, and for me, the beautiful pearls will return, one by one. I too had the months of legal stuff and find things he used to do and now my responsibility rather hard. Changes in feeding times or even simply moving furniture around can cause further stress. The way she was with our 4 babies 8-20 years old. I felt I should have paid more attention and have found the money to pay for the tests that would have shown he needed medical treatment. Ive said it many times: nothing, and I mean NOTHING, can prepare us for the finality of death. Since then, I have no clue or direction with what to do with my life. Allie: your situation is so like mine. A year without you is almost too much to bear.". Thats beautiful. There is NO GETTING OVER IT!!!!! The second year I think in some ways lost both my boys 2 years ago 37 38 4 2016 and 9 2016 you are in my thoughts and prayers . The second year was just as difficult but, for different reasons. My situation a little different. I too lost my soul mate and love of my life 17 months ago after 24 wonderful years together. I have wonderful family and I started going back to church after he died. I dont understand why! The second Mothers Day without a mom. Thank you. I wish everyone the best who want to continue their struggles to go on. I cant have gone completely cold though, as I cry reading all your letters, and am so grateful that we have each other xxx. The pain is immense, there is no recipe or road map for this and most of no quick fix. On that day I broke down in tears. Its worse now that Im no longer numb. As I approach the year anniversary and holiday season, I feel that the grief is worse then ever. It is now over a year, I have dear friends, do many things like tennis and bridge, but cooking, eating and sleeping alone is torture. I dont think we were lucky We had 3 lovely children together. He was told he had six month and he lived shy two days of six months. Kids will find their lifes and live it. Death Anniversary Messages. Most days are normal; Im dating a wonderful man who also understands grief, because he lost his twin to murder 10 yrs ago, and Ive seen it hit him hard on his brothers wedding anniversary. i should have died not him he was extremely known birdwatcher with so much energy went all over the world I let him go I said be happy do what you want to be happy had more energy than I did walked dogs twice a daytil he died all organs died thar weekend toxic shock pneumonia was in all organs toxic shock syndrome pneumonia was throughout all his body got cancer from 1996 toxic water from crestwood ill water by mayor to make money let water combine with waste from the dry cleaners there had cancer 17 years of cancer. i feel like i am stronger than this, i know what i should be doing, but i find myself communicating by email, and everyone has gone back to living their life as they should. I pray that time will heal. I do hope this helps someone or anyone who is going through a really hard time. 84 year old and try to get back to things I used to enjoy but it isnt working. Id rather be home. I know your pain I loss our Stepdaughter in January 1992 and My Mr. Lee in July 2016. But I wish he will come back . I hurt in my heart so deep I cant breathe. Wish I was with my wife really. but when I am alone I just lie on the couch, cry, and feel sorry for myself. Which I fear for my partner as he is so lovely and loves me dearly but I cant let him in too much. Hello Robert. My 21 year old daughter was diagnosed with leukemia and died 14 days later from a brain hemorrhage resulting from the chemo treatment. I have less control in things than I thought I did. Reality for me says it will never completely subside. Your children would feel the pain you feel if something happened to you! Now without her? I try and fill my time, but would rather be hold up in my house and not face the world. I can talk to them. Most shy away from me because?? As time moves further into the future, I find my grief is actually getting worse! Hi everyone. She deserves a life filled with hope and happy times. I was caring for my husband no more and now the puppies had all gone. It can be from 150 to 180 percent of the parent's full . tells you to contact the IRS ; Calling outside of these conditions isn't recommended because the IRS representatives won't be able to provide additional information on your tax return status. It might be a song, a picture, a street intersection, the smell of a cup of coffee. Something that helped me was meeting others and making new traditions. I came on here hoping for good news for year two. I lost my bf 4 years ago and I thought I was doing well. God bless you all and I wish the very bestnformyou. I have noticed such an immense change in my body (so thin) and just overall mental behaviour (loner, no energy for anything or anyone). I cant even remember the first few months. Be kind to yourself. Feb 11, 2012 7:42 AM. Well in February 2017 the puppies went to their new homes. so tight that only death could break it.And it did. Just coming up for the first anniversary in mid November, I am feeling wretched and exhausted. And I mean nothing makes me happy anymore. I hold onto all the I am really hoping as time goes by it gets better. Its been almost two years since I found him. I have been tearing up all day but not in a sad way. Humans have the capacity to share themselves with another press. I lost my Wendy I lost my mother two yrs ago this December 22, 2017. I walk around with a smile and hide my pain from family and coworkers. Dont worry, I would not hurt my son or my kitties by hurting myself. So much its crazy. The third year I thought everything was fine. Always feeling so empty, so alone. We followed every possible treatment available, but to no availhis caner won out and I was left alone to face the future, to pick up the pieces and to move on with my new life. its been 18 months since i lost my mum. Dear Dad, It's been one year and one month since you're gone. I miss him so much and loved him so dearly. He was my rock. Seek family, friends or local grief help. The first year was filled with a kind of silliness, overall weirdnessi guess from shock..i was busy with the estate stuff and running around getting the legal things done i had to do. Nellie, Im so sorry that we have to have these losses as a connection. But I realised life is to short. Its the awful realization that she is really gone and will never return and be a part of my life again. Very impressive. Only once in a while I say anything about it anymore. At 4 days old she came into my life as a bottle baby, I fought so hard to keep her alive, she defied the odds for 27 months. together. No matter what and how I try nothing really matters. Many of the people I work with are several years past their loss and are struggling with confidence and decision making. No matter how my day is going, Im constantly knocked off guard with just one person, me, doing things that we used to do and not two. I lost my mother (and I was her caregiver) in early 2017 (basically congenital heart failure, but she fail on what I consider a good day for her and never recovered and passed away the next day). It doesn't heal them, but it gives us the opportunity to learn from them. My grandma died on November 1st, and my oldest sister died somewhat unexpectedly on December 22nd. I suppose I will keep going on but no one will ever have my heart ever again like my wife did. But lately I find myself overwhelmed with sadness as weeping. I feel that its not fair to her or myself. A white feather flew into my hand out oof the blue. Even though my brother was in the military for twenty four years and had been gone most of the time from the family. Weve held 2 Motown and Northern Soul Charity Nights in his memory to raise money for Brain Tumour Research and Bloodwise (blood cancer charity. Her suffering in the end made things even worse. My heart is breaking. The loss of a special animal companion can leave devastating heartache and most people will suffer in silence out of fear of not being taken seriously just because the loss was not a human loss. I would truly love to hear what others have done (remained or moved) and how they reflect on their choice.