Senior Planets comments are open for all readers/subscribers; we love hearing from you! And lastly, dont discount masturbation as a solution. I have many friends in this situation. Maybe not as often or intense, but more tender, Life is complicated and gets more complicated as we get older. Take care. Think of the biblical verse Ecclesiastes 3. If I wish to continue my marriage , I guess I should just accept the situation and carry the cross of feeling unsatisfied. My problem is my husband is still very much interested. Being a mom is a 24-7 job with a constant cycle of happiness, stress, and worry. Our marriage became almost sexless in 2006 when our 17 year old son was killed in an accident. Got lost there. I caught her in a flirtation as she calls it, with her boss. I wonder if it could be depression (something he wouldnt admit to), but its been going on a long time. You have put up with so much bull shit it is sickening. Like I have a total stranger as a house guest. My functioning would be fine when engaging in sex with a woman for the first time, paid sex, and one night stands. I can literally be ready with just a thought. Husband even can not touch her, let alone touch to arouse her. And I cook, shop for food, take care of dogs and have. We are still asexually active and every time we see couples enjoying sex, it puts extreme sadness in our souls because we are faithful to our partner. 9. I fail to see the point of continuing further. I dont know what kind of slob you were married to, but maybe he rolled over and fell asleep because you were so boring and disinterested. So sorry to read this Pamela, Im in the same boat with my lovely wife, terribly depressing. Why is a mans focus so connected to his ability to use a womans body to empty the contents of his balls? Be patient with her as she works on herself, and the two of you refocus on your marriage. I have a high libido and masterbate frequently, which I know she is aware of. Besides intercourse itself, she turns me away when I attempt to initiate some sort of intimacy by kissing or stroking, things she used to love in the past. And that's perfectly fine! Research published by the National Marriage Project found that couples who make time for date night experience benefits, such as increased sexual satisfaction, improved communication skills, and injecting excitement and passion back into their relationship. I work part time at a day care and I find that when I havent gotten sleep the night before, my patience with the kids is really tested. mine forgot my birthday this year (it is 2 days before his lol) and our wedding anniversary : ( I can not compete with his online game omg he plays 24-7 so I can relate to your problem with your wife choosing the phone over you thats cold. Your husband is a very lucky man. I have often thought about having an affair but I just dont know how to approach going that direction. So Im frustrated as hell, but I love her and wont cheat on her no matter what. my dad still wants to have sex but my mom is too tired and no longer comfortable with sex. Four in five couples dealt with a desire discrepancy1 in the past month, according to one 2015 study. Fundamentally, it comes down to 3 choices: leave, cheat, or suffer. The comment section saved me from my sexless marriage, the counselling article is just drivel to shore up business to the Psychologist. They think they do, Men expect women to get hormone therapy to fix the hormone problem. goodluck! But it should not stop like this as it hampering your life. That's part of it, but in long-term relationships, sex is also the fastest route for a man to feel close and connected to his wife. Whatever it is, the impact for you is that you don't feel loved or cared about the same. This is especially true of couples in their 40s and 50s, or those who have been married more than 10-15 years. Married 50years and our sex life never really got going. He may still be impotent after surgery, no guarantees. My wife and my sex life was pretty damn good before she developed breast cancer and had a double mastectomy, even though she went through early menopause (in her 40s). Since this is our first child, I dont even know whats normal and what isnt. Its at least mean . And now we are old and the chance of my wife changing are now nil. I felt rejected at times, but I learned that what postpartum moms go through physically and emotionally is intense. Research shows that women who had a positive view of themselves reported higher levels of intimate encounters and arousal. The marriage is fine except for the sex. Im mid 50s married man who has ED and low T. I have always had a lower desire. If you want to romance her at 11 p.m., you need to understand that she needs time to sleep! she adds. Im 15 years younger than my husband. I must be cursed. I never cared about sex when I was 35 or now at 76! We cant really talk about it because the very subject causes her great depression because she feels like its all her fault and that she is failure as a lover. You may have become so engrossed in your work or friends that you just dont spend quality time with your wife. Will: I was very disturbed to read your post. Be caring. She didnt. I quit sex because I didnt want to put with name calling and her being boring. We werent intimate back then, and a quirk of fate brought us together recently. Anyway, I was so turned on by this guy (in love too)that just seeing him or us simply hugging was a major Turn-On. Just do it to make her feel good. I have tried internet sex and it wasnt bad but it wasnt enough. But unfortunately I do feel that it is my fault I just wish I knew what and that I could make it better. Fix it. So she still has a spark of sexiness ..but wants the womanizer. This seems to be the one thing that cannot change (no medical conditions preventing sex). She has owned her own retail furniture store for 10 years and has expressed her desire to sell and get a job until retirement. No sex 7 years!!! I cannot believe that is wasnt suggested that the LWs wife work with a functional doctor who can work with plant based bio identical hormones that can probably increase her desire. When I say intimacy, I do not mean just intercourse. Be truthful. No way you are real!!! Hello Mary I can imagine how frustrating it it is for you.I am 65 years old and my wife is 64.My wife is on anti-depressants and she says that she has no desire for sex We have been married for 44 years now.I last had sex about 8 years ago My wife is a very beautiful woman and I am absolutely so frustrated and find that looking at porn and mastubating is not ideal anymore, What I need is a woman, but I am afraid to approach another woman for sex for the fear of rejection, I do not want to have sex with a prostitute. The scenario you posited is anything but. Frankly, Im ready for a change of scene because this is like living with someone who it seems might be happier living off by himself. Thats why were looking at the most common reasons why your wife is never in the mood anymore and what you can do if your wife refuses to have sex. Although he acts like he doesnt notice and maybe he dont. I cant have sex do to pain and believe me I truly hat it. 2. Dianne. Id rather die than lose him. Having a regular marriage check-in can help you keep an eye on your relationship and ensure you are satisfied with how much time you spend together in the bedroom. What does it mean when your wife doesn't show affection? Perfectly happy and have intention to change it. Nor, is it a reasonable demand that you need (should) accept. . He was gone on the road 80% of the time. Ive tried everything I can think of but Ive given up. Best of luck to you! Remember its never too late to start. When a woman notices that you have an affinity for what she loves, she gets curious, thereby increasing her desire for you. Makes me happy Im not married. She does something she HATES because she loves me, but cant do something she supposedly ENJOYS for 8.5 years. You can gently bring up that you want to keep prioritizing your sex life together so your wife understands how you feel and so you can mutually find ways to work on this part of your lives while still being sensitive to her struggles. Illness, marital issues, motherhood, or work anxiety can cause your wife to feel too overwhelmed for intimacy. I love him as much as the air I breathe, but I just wish he would realize Im suffering and offer that its ok for me to have some on the side. We just share our acerage, her in the house and I have a place with my dettached out building. My sexual desire just stopped. Expert Lists 13 Reasons, 43 Romantic Date Night Ideas For Married Couples, 44 Unique Birthday Wishes For Husband To Convey Your Love, 33 Most Romantic Things To Do For Your Wife, The Best 51 Anniversary Wishes For Husband, 6 Facts That Sum Up The Purpose Of Marriage. I am utterly fed up with being in the friend zone or occasionally doing it with what might as well be a sack of potatoes. Focusing on her pleasure will make her banish any thought that my wife never wants to have sex.. If his wife refuses to explore solutions he will need to tell her the following. More than once, our perfunctory mutual masturbation sessions were unsuccessful for me because I couldnt get hard. Yes! Right. When I was single I would simply break off a relationship when the sexual problems would start. Its not that hes a bad person hes not but at this point hes kind of like a zombie. But he keeps wanting to try and work on it and cant seem to accept that Im changing as I grow old. There is only so much I can fantasize masturbate and flirt. I am 64 years old and I have not had sex with my wife for about 7 years, she is 59 years old. Want to have a happier, healthier marriage? Masturbation in the case of a marriage where one party is no longer interested in having sex and actively resists any overtures along those lines would seem to be the logical course of action. I read the frustration and despair in your story and I thank you for being willing to share it here. . the women stop trying once you give them what they want. Ive slept in my own bedroom for 43 of those years. Be the man who won her heart! Bull. But if neither of those possible remedies to the sexless marriage proves satisfactory, then perhaps the couple should agree to allow the husband to seek sex outside of the marriage. I wont lecture: youve all read about it. I dont even bother to talk to her (all she does is whine and complain). I dont look my age at all! Shes particularly enthusiastic about helping softhearted women get re-energized around the dating experience and find joy in the process of connecting with others. Sounds to me like youve picking your men from the bar. Like Nike says, just do it. There is nothing sexier than seeing your man crazy! I happen to like the situation I created and I will never change it. "As we age, the vaginal lining becomes thinner, less elastic, and produces less moisture. His experiences have taught him that being an honest friend who communicates well and giving importance to self-love can go a long way in maintaining loving relationships. Where is my man who would COOK, and have me for dessert?CLEAN! The therapist totally forgot about me as my wife did. I heard my uncles talk about sex like it was something from their youth that has long gone. Maybe I should start trying to ease my husband into this conversation because we have been having sex rarer and rarer these past few years. My wife avoids spending time with me. If this is a real concern for you then ask yourself was there ever any infidelity or cheating on your part? 39 TRUST ME RUN Dont walk Dont ruin your life!!!! I bet you think all men are stupid as well. I mistakenly intercepted several text "Having small children is a frequent and legitimate excuse for not having sex.". He then sits and reads for hours on end. Youve both gone so long without sex together and without understanding each other that it isnt an easy fix. Even worse, because Im larger than average, she can no longer handle my penis even if she wanted to. He didnt see me and since that day, my attitude towards him has changed. This whole situation sucks for all of us. Sh. But keeping an open dialogue about your mutual wants and desires can, https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC4199300/, https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC4555290/, https://onlinelibrary.wiley.com/doi/full/10.1111/jmft.12282, http://nationalmarriageproject.org/wp-content/uploads/2012/05/NMP-DateNight.pdf, https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC2707786/, https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC3807599/. At 45 years old I met this man You treat her well, and she shows no interest in you. But it isnt. No amount of therapy, joint or individual, will fix this issue. If his wife doesn't want to meet those needs, she should support him getting them met elsewhere or just set him free . Then she was diagnosed with scleroderma shortly before I had a kidney transplant. s.setAttribute('data-timestamp', +new Date()); Feminism has a lot to answer for; there seems to be too many mismatched females being vocal, when this has been a male affliction to be saddled with an undersexed female. He does not have ED or any similar issue, wont see a therapist or talk about this, and he becomes angry and defensive if I bring up sex or hug him or show any affection. Women have all these excuses and fare enough many of them are legitimate but some of it is disconnecting. But. For me she is the best woman I have ever been with. For me my wife has me feeling guilty and hesitant and re framing from touching her in any way. Not easy for her to open up and talk about thingsbeen that way all of our married lives..43 plus years. We signed for our first mortgage when she was in ICU with fourth-stage cancer. I have suffered from severe sexual dysfunctions all my life, since I started having sex as a teen. I take it religiously, because it helps me in the gym and with mental clarity. With my wife it was menopause. Someone who spends all their time on the computer or their phone is looking for something or someone other than the person they are with. Im Maried for 5 years and from one year until now my wife change completely like a different person she don't let me hold her hands or touch her or kiss her and sex more than 6 months that she don't have sex with me I asked her if she don't love me anymore and she say that she love me and I asked her why she's doing you know all the . In fact, I dont even feel were friends at this point, as we rarely speak to one another (unless I initiate a conversation) and whenever I try and initiate any affection or even merely suggest sex, he bristles, becomes hostile and defensive and thats that. This put stress on things as did a lack of acceptance from my mother, to my Wife, until she died at 97. Think back to the time when you were dating. If your husband rejects your hugs, kisses, and touch, there's something wrong. Nothing before marriage, nothing on our wedding night and little to nothing for the next 46+ years. Bring back date night (without the pressure to have sex), or simply spend more time talking to each other about your inner worlds: your feelings, your fears, your frustrations, your hopes and dreams. . Sometimes a married woman isn't interested in having sex with her spouse because she's simply not in the mood right now. Haha it isnt always easy but I try to focus where we are in life. My best friend. :(, Wow Chris D!! Now both in our early 60s, she has lost the desire for sex and has pain issues as well. God as our designer and maker knows what is best for us. The nipple is not an on and off switch. Im leaving when I can stash away the cash. About 5 years ago (we've been married 29) she started not wanting me to touch her breasts as much and over time stopped letting me touch them altogether. Her duty? Thats great but what about the man? All he needs is that wonderful little blue pill. So much hurt involved, and guilt. Sure I wish I could be confident in her skin too but Im not going to let it overwhelm me. Joan Price is the authorof several books including The Ultimate Guide to Sex After 50 andthe award-winning self-help bookNaked at Our Age.Visit Joans blog, Naked at Our Age and herFacebook page. She is my sister as far as Im concerned not my lover and I dont know what to do. A little over 43 without sex, or dealing with her, I do my own thing and dont really care what she does. I respect your right to your opinion, but to say that an egalitarian relationship always ends in dysfunction & misery is unfounded and far from true. Been there, done that. If he would quit his demands, realize Im not who I was, be cheerful and easy, love life and just lighten up, Id make sure he is sexually satisfied WAY MORE OFTEN. Theres no divorce possibility. Were your one-stop destination for unraveling the mystery that is love. Whats more, you are not doomed to be in a sexless marriage! If theres no intimacy in your marriage from your wife and youve realized that she may be suffering through mental health issues, Bonobologys panel of experienced therapists can help guide your partner through this turbulent time, and perhaps re-establish the harmonious relationship you yearn for. Even if it is difficult, do everything you can to put yourself in her shoes. Feeling loved and getting affection, including sex is important to me. To send your questions directly to Joan, email sexpert@seniorplanet.org. Hormonal therapy can give you cancer, stroke. Start by considering and working through any and all interpersonal, emotional, and relationship issues. Men empathize with women in a way that women do not with men; men *want* to make decisions that benefit women, individually and as a group (the Women are Wonderful effect, which both men and women exhibit). I agree, once they stop theres nothing thats going to get them interested or willing to do it again. I need love that bad to hang on to a partner that never wants sex? The last time we tried, she complained of the pain even with lubrication. You should consider a strap on dildo, the size and width are your choice. Maybe when she met you she saw a very rich lifestyle that has not panned out. With kids and work schedules, it can unfortunately become easy to put date night on the back burner, but there are plenty of reasons to make it a priority in your week. I married, not for love but because was told I could do worse. Why would anyone want to have sex with your pessimistic, crotchety, excuse-ridden ass? Susan!!! Although i had told him beforehand that if it didnt change I would get it on the side. Ill be living in a van down by the river if we separate. I have been married for 40 years this coming July. Also, I have experienced ageism in the job market. This can be difficult since, statistically, couples are not as willing to talk about sexual matters the same way they would other conflicts, such as children or finances. Nothing arouses it. nuff said. But it will quickly fade again once their needs are met. After chemo and radiation, they put her on hormone suppression drugs, which reduced her libido a lot. Only 50 at wits end, I dont want to start over, but I dont want to go another 10 years like this either, I cant talk to her about it be cause she has tried it didnt work, but no physical contact and her liking other guys attention just makes it unbearable, Between the undesirable side effects of the meds I take for depression and the unfortunate consequences of menopause, my sex drive is just dead, and I neither care nor have any desire whatsoever to revive it. Because I am not attractive to her. On the other hand, another reason your wife is never in the mood may be related to menopause. BTWsome in your wifes position build great insurmountable resentment. I appreciate the fact my wife has accepted our sexless marriage but I wish I knew what was causing these awful dysfunctions that make sex impossible, Oh my the first paragraph is me and my wife all over just had silver anniversary its been sexless since I was about 35 Im 52 now she no longer initiates intimacy wont kiss or cuddle hates being touched no toutching or anything of that disgusting behaviour treats sex as dirty and says Im old enough to know better gave similar resolution said find someone else but canot as Id be cheating I love her but this is not living promised change every year on Holliday well do it when we get away never happens maybee I am selfish for wanting intimacy with her but wont talk about it were just stuck in a rut its a cave and were going nowhere Im still fit keep trim and look young I have a young outlook whitch she hates but hey ho good luck all I feel less frustrated reading some of these comments xx, My husband who is 80 is 15 years older then me and has health problems so on a lot of meds our sex life finished 4 year ago going down hill gradually I get very upset as there seems to be no affection between us at all he seems quite happy living like this I love him dearly so would never leave him but its hard for me every day, Oh bullshit, a womans answer to wife problems is communicate how you feel to her. She wont talk about it and claims she desires no intimacy. She basically views it as an immature fixation and that as a married man I should concentrate on more important things. Been sleeping in separate beds since surgery. Gynecological conditions such as endometriosis, PCOS, PCOD, uterine fibroids and pelvic pain can make it difficult for women to enjoy sex. People might think Im lonely but Im not, I work alone and I get all the right answers talking to my self. Semi handsome for an old guy. Menopause can affect a woman's sexual functioning2 and overall interest in sex. They learn to accept the situation and carry on with life. only issue. You and your husband need to take some hours to reconnect, or try to reconnect, with the people you believe yourself to have been when you first fell in love with each other. Hormonal changes, which can start as early as your 20s, can also be root causes of low sex drive. She may not understand the first time around, but if you keep trying, perhaps shell understand the need to maintain a balance between her roles as a mother and a wife. for signs she is interested in someone else. Indifferent withholders like my wife NEVER get better and their partners either leave or become bitter! But this woman kept me in her heart and mind for fifty years. What to do about it: Don't jump to conclusions. Id go get some attention somewhere if I could. The article itself is very weak and rehashed b.s., But the comments are priceless! She wont do therapy and I dont want sex because someone forces her to. What to do about it: Address the ongoing conflicts in your relationship. Both 39 years oldI just suffer in silence. The Bible says to not deny one another because it leads to stumbling. A pill? We are all misogynistic pigs that just need a hole for our poles. Its just torturing me for no reason. Resentment in the marriage eventually leads to conflict and arguments. There's nothing wrong with the lower-libido partnerthey simply just don't want sex as often as the other person. Sucks to be me, right! All this can cause a person to go into anger and hibernate. It is more like a revenge. I have never been a man so I cannot empathize with a man. We lost our virginity to each other well before our marriage so often, in fact, that on our wedding night we decided we were too tired from the events of the week and just went to bed to sleep. She refuses to talk about it. all about love and couple relationships in their varied forms. Cheers Rl. I refuse to live out my life not feeling special. Just told her I wasnt going to follow all her B.S rule and moved out of the bedroom. I have difficulty ejaculating and often, cannot get erections with her. I read these comments and feel for all of you, especially the men who I share with of which I have similar experiences. Once we get a savings built up, we are going to enjoy life and enjoy ourselves even more. I finally became frustrated with being turned down and just waited for her to initiate sex. It is possible that a lack of sex may have shifted your focus on physical intimacy whereas a lack of emotional intimacy may be driving your wife away from the idea of sex. A lack of communication may have led to years of unsatisfying sex, and the longer youre together, the more nervous she may be to bring it up. So my question to the men here. Glenn, as a man to another man; its time to let that person go. They (we) act most often as though we men are not capable of rational/sentient thought. Having children may be one reason intimacy has decreased in your marriage, but it is not the only reason. She would never agree to an open relationship and I shouldnt be unhappy. She would use the excuse of my children may interrupt, although I would point out we have a lock on the door. That communication will be open and honest, and circumstances in lifegood or bad, should never break this mutual promise. 2. For men the cost is being far more productive than hed need to be if caring only for himself and to forsake all other partners in pairing with his wife exclusively. With so many of us in similar situations, it would be nice if we could just reshuffle the deck, at least in this one area. Please keep your eyes open for signs she is interested in someone else, such as being secretive, avoiding you, or hitting the gym. My wife did not give me your three choices, but they are still there. You are not catering to her sexual needs, How To Survive A Sexless Marriage Without Cheating, build a successful relationship after cheating, communication exercises with your partner, 10 Things To Do When You Are Drifting Apart In Your Relationship. So all women who married men and saw this first hand, from 14 to 80. Sigh I dont even want to see anyone else. About 10 % Love 90% Hate. Rejection soon turns into resentment. She wants no part of it. Been in sexless marriage for 45 years! Even with all the gadgets and hired help, modern women have a lot on their plate. He is selfish, lazy and quite frankly a self absorbed narcissist. I desire tenderness and affection, not just an orgasm. Prior to that, for seven years, we would occasionally engage in oral, which was unsatisfying since it was one sided and felt mechanical. Any discussion goes nowhere. What r u holding on for?! She can also talk to her doctor to see what options are available to support her libido. After 35 years, I want to be with my wife more than ever, not less. While I understand where you are coming from, what if (as in my case) it is a physical.problem that is the cause. Married a little over 50 years! My wife and I have been in couples therapy now for about 3 years, and while it has helped our relationship a lot, nothing going on sexually. I have kept fit and kept busy. well she decided we will not have sex, and to top it off, she has panic if she touches me and me touching her. I retired early to get Medicare and redusece medical expenses. Hmmm. She has to try, and she should want to try for your sake if not hers. 3. // Replace PAGE_IDENTIFIER with your page's unique identifier variable I miss the simple things. The vast majority are trained to be misandrists and far too many are grotesquely unethical.