I really think if said in the right context, you can support both your husband and your daughter. Im a mom of a 14 yr old version of this LWs daughter mine is going to One Direction on Thursday, and will be spending all of Wednesday and Thursday both preparing for this epic event. If you find that the conflict is escalating or if there is name-calling or other disrespectful behavior, its time to intervene. I wanted to spend more time with him so he took me golfing with him early in the morning, even though I didnt know how to play. (Its not in the joking way, either, but in the Temperance never gets to choose another movie again way.). But I also honestly think that the husband/dad might not be such a jerk face if he wasnt 100% put on the back burner. I know my father and I did not share a lot of interests when I was growing up I read a lot and was introverted. Last week she followed him home after classes again, even though his bus goes in the opposite direction to where she lives. This is actually not difficult. Usually sharks.). It sounds like this dad is a bit of a jerk, who when he introduces something and she isnt into it makes fun of her. All rights reserved. Please implore him to realize that if one of your daughters peers was reacting similarly to her, the two of you would deplore that child as a Mean Kid. What is this site, a Masters program? And not just to me and your husband. (To be fair, I tried a couple of months ago when we started dating, but i couldnt understand a word during the fight scene, it was late and there was another 1.5 hours, so he turned it off so I could give it my full attention next time.) It actually kind of rocks once you get passed the first 20 mins (or watch them with subtitles). Make it easier for him to be his best self. I experienced an adolescence where most of my interests were labeled garbage and where I was told my lack of interest in playing sports was a character flaw that would doom me to failure as an adult. Ive been following you for years and while I dont always agree with your answers I think this was the most misguided and off the mark. Theyre bonding against him because hes being hurtful to both of them. You dont always have to act like a 12 year old girl in her presence. From Voyager, for some odd reason, The Q and the Grey really struck a chord with me and actually made me challenge all of my beliefs regarding what is beyond humanity. FUCK BOARD GAMES. A lot of them could lean into things he likes Firefly could lead into an interest in science. PostedOctober 22, 2014 When you think you know what to expect or how to deal with them, they change the rules, seemingly arbitrarily. July 15, 2013, 3:00 pm. I read baby sitter club books and was part of the official fan club. And dont EVER talk negatively about one spouse to your children. My dad patiently put up with and even encouraged me in my obsessions. Theres making a light-hearted joke when something is spilled, and then there is telling your child that what makes her happy is stupid. I agree with everything Wendy said, and your daughter will certainly benefit from spending quality time with him, even if they arent doing things that she necessarily enjoys. lets_be_honest I think what Wendy is missing in her response is dealing with the fathers attitude towards his daughters interests. My father (and mother, if I want to be totally honest) would criticize anything that my sister and I had an interest in, regardless of how much value it did or did not have. I agree Dad needs to work on himself and his approach, but Mom definitely does too. So is telling your daughter that the things she listens to or your conversations are annoying. I would rock out to Tom Petty in my room while playing with my Sanrio boxes that were full of Lisa Frank erasers. Basically, I had never been the kid he wanted, and he eventually snapped and took it out on me. 6napkinburger July 2, 2013, 2:09 pm, Absolutely agree. As a counterpoint, I loved all the things my dad liked and he tried to do things I liked. Settlers of Catan! At 12, anything my dad would listen to I really had an interest in because I never heard songs like that. I would challenge anyone who would suggest that the genre is a waste of time. It sounds like your husband feels really left out and is more just reacting than being proactive about changing things. And thats always stuck with me, and I find myself thinking about it a lot whenever theres something I dont want to do but that I know is the right thing. They can work together to work on his father-daughter relationship but if his attitude doesnt change itll be that much harder. Ya know what happens when Mom encourages the relationship and Dad continues to belittle the kid? July 2, 2013, 12:29 pm. My husband s father always disparaged his interests when he was younger. I have to keep an eye on myself to make sure Im more mom than friend. lets_be_honest They Dont Want Their Marriage To End Up Like Yours, 4. And yeh I hated going to home depot with my dad but I know a lot more about home maintenance than some people. Her daughter should stop liking it just because her mother likes it. July 2, 2013, 3:46 pm. I think your daughter will be too, if you listen to Wendy.. I mean, really, isnt that how you build a relationship with anyone? At a certain point isnt parenting about teaching your children to be healthy, functioning adults not just robots who do what they are told? An example of data being processed may be a unique identifier stored in a cookie. My parents still make fun of me for a movie I wanted to watch when I was 8 because it was so awful. And LW, just because there is communicating going on around you doesnt mean that your family has good, healthy, communication. if(typeof ez_ad_units!='undefined'){ez_ad_units.push([[300,600],'therelationshipnotes_com-large-mobile-banner-1','ezslot_9',134,'0','0'])};__ez_fad_position('div-gpt-ad-therelationshipnotes_com-large-mobile-banner-1-0');Ultimately, its up to you whether or not you want to stay in a relationship with someone who doesnt get along with your child. I mean, people always try to paint themselves in the best possible light and their opponent in the worst. If he had been the one to write to me, Id be giving him an earful, believe me), . I had the same experience at college! If the father wants his daughter to respect his interests, then he needs to be the adult and show her how adults should behave and respect hers. bittergaymark His dad wasnt a particularly avid fisherman, he just thought it would be a good father-son activity. I agree with this, except, I dont think the mother was intentionally pushing these shows on her, it probably just happened. And LW- anyone who tells you Firefly is not a good show doesnt know what their talking about! You're surely not alone. I had and to some extent probably still have some self-esteem issues that stemmed from my dads iffy parenting. Im not trying to argue with you Mark, I see your point and agree with much of it I just think its possible that the daughter is the one who introduced Mom to some of these things, and Mom became a fan. We have a 1-year-old daughter together. And my fingers are still crossed for you , kerrycontrary Where is the suggestion to ask the daughter what she may want to do? Find a common ground youve got to. Or are they just not able to love without losing themselves? LW, your daughter sounds awesome. In this blog post, we will explore some strategies for resolving conflict between a parent and their partners children. July 2, 2013, 11:53 am. A museum or something might be a good start. She and my dad didnt have much of a relationship, so she kind of looked to me to be her BFF, and I had a lot more in common with her. Addie Pray WTF youre her mother not her BFF get it together and help your husband round her out! As always, your anonymity is golden. I know, Buffy was the weakest link in Buffy (is that irony?). We watched Eureka last year and our daughter loved it and talked about it with her friends. LW, what kind of music does your husband like? July 2, 2013, 11:15 am. If youre having problems with your husband because of how he treats you or his parenting style, then you need to handle it with him, not by forming an alliance with your daughter against him. If you have a relationship/dating question I can help answer, you can send me your letters at wendy@dearwendy.com. Which I think is terrible and it really upsets me when she says this. We had some past issues that affected our relationship. Older and (hopefully) wiser This can be a normal and healthy part of adolescence, but it can also be painful for parents who feel like they are losing the close relationship they once had with their child. So how did she find out about it? If youre experiencing any of these issues in your marriage, its important to talk to your daughter about how youre feeling and why youve decided to stay in the relationship despite being unhappy. So yes, foster her interests, but cultivate in her an ability to relate to other people and appreciate their interests too. Of course the fights will get worse as she challenges boundaries and pushes back against his authority. I went through an accapella phase and a disney phase and a pop punk phase, a Growing pains phase, and on and on, and he rolled his eyes and helped me set the VCR, but wasnt willing to watch it. But, for example, my mom used to watch I Love Lucy and Alfred Hitchcock Presents late at night, and during the summers, Id stay up late, and I gradually developed a taste for both of them. I cant believe you didnt address that. July 2, 2013, 2:27 pm. The advice to the LW is good, but she cannot change her husbands behavior. They have to come at this from a position of mutual respect. Really not sure why I waited so long. 6napkinburger Because my dad took the time to foster this in me, it has not only made my relationship with him stronger, but with others as well. LWs daughter should definitely be involved with some enriching activities, but theres no harm at all in loving media. My other daughter moved out recently into a flat-share with some friends. The comments seem to be about split on this issue. He just can't grasp the cost of a wedding. Seriously, the concept of the Q is what puts me on the agnostic end of atheism. For the first time in my life, I woke up at 5:30 a.m. to be at the stream, fishing pole in hand and waders on, to fly fish with my dad. Seriously. July 2, 2013, 12:15 pm. Most of them are women. My daughter and I are a lot like you and yours. I think most people worry about their daughters if they arent active enough and lay around watching tv or reading too much. Heck, where would we be without Star Trek? July 2, 2013, 1:32 pm. Both of them are alike in that they are argumentative, particularly with each other, and if they disagree with each other or even have a misunderstanding neither will let it go, such that WE end up with ridiculous escalating fights.. Here are some signs that your father had narcissistic tendencies or was an outright narcissist. His GP should be able to refer him to an appropriate local counsellor or he could contact the British Association for Counselling and Psychotherapy (bacp.co.uk). Im sorry, but the father is an asshole. July 2, 2013, 12:33 pm, Finding out the music my parents listened to opened up my eyes to who they used to be. Psychology Today 2023 Sussex Publishers, LLC, Psychology and the Mystery of the "Poisoned" Schoolgirls. Good luck! I get that it is tough to have her be mad at you sometimes even though you really enjoy the things she does, but that is just part of being a parent, and keeping a healthy marriage. July 15, 2013, 3:10 pm. We are this little team of 2. You have to do whats best for yourself and your family. Mother of a Fangirl. For example, younger children may not be able to express themselves as well and may need help doing so. Anyway, we had to go visit one of his aunts who was dying in the hospital, and my dad admitted to me that he didnt WANT to go and said he was dreading it (which was not something hed normally say to me), but that sometimes you have to do stuff you dont want to do. But in college I fell in love with art history and now I actually take days off work to go visit art museums! So as not to be hurt again, they simply avoid situations where they think they will need to expose their feelings or emotions. :: If you have a problem you need help with, email Fiona by writing to help@askfiona.net for advice. July 3, 2013, 3:16 am. Copyright 2023 The Relationship Notes.Privacy Policy . How dare she share her own interests. They gave me a mixtape with a whole bunch of different Beatles on it, and I am still a huge Beatles fan to this day. Is there a middle ground? However you come about discovering a new way to be together, it is better to take a chance of doing something different than to let layers of disappointment bury the love you once held sacred. As you agree, there needs to be a balance and it sounds like Dad is the only one whose realized that. Maybe they have communicated about this many times, but obviously there havent been any results yet! Sci-Fi is a great gateway to get kids interested in sciencethere was a museum exhibit traveling around called Star Wars: Where Science Meets Imagination, and theres a similar one about Indiana Jones and archaeology. AITA for saying my husband's ex is interfering? Hes trying to be a parent to her and teach her what he thinks is important for her to know, while I am trying to encourage her to develop her own interests and do what she loves. July 2, 2013, 11:40 am. July 2, 2013, 2:33 pm. My dad and I developed a healthy give-and-take relationship when I was this age. My sister and I grew up reading scifi and fantasy. I was afraid the BS stood for something else. Im just saying that indicates very little to me. Heck yeah. Unfortunately, the old woman fell ill, and Janet had to marry a worthless man in place of her parents' biological daughter to meet the maid's medical expenses. 'My husband is a terrible driver. My comment obviously wasnt clear. A talk with your husband about encouraging ALL of her interests (NOT belittling them) and being her own person is crucial at this age. If your H has strong BPD traits, his child-like behavior is easy to explain because his emotional development likely is frozen at about age four. And then, the next morning, he was an angel and brought me coffee in bed. Maybe they both like pizza or Indian food or something; then Dad can take her out to dinner or cook with her. She's madly in love with him but it seems he's no nearer to noticing her feelings than he was when she started. , temperance July 3, 2013, 9:47 am. Shes pulling away because hes hypercritical of her AND their daughter. Why should your husband treat her that way?? Haha, are you saying I should stop saying that listening to Taylor Swift on repeat is annoying? My family was big on card games and board games, but my dad didnt participate much, which bummed me out. Something like that might be a good intersection of the father and daughters interests. July 2, 2013, 11:13 am. Lily in NYC If your husband wants a good relationship with his daughter he must first quit disparaging her and her interests and he must quit rolling his eyes. Theres alot wrong going on here, the parents should definitely get counseling to learn better communication and parenting skills. Or else hes doing a disservice to her. But you seem to have past that point long ago) Just as your husband has tried to cultivate in her his interests. The point here is that Mom seems to allow her to only have interest in those things, which is bad. Im willing to bet you (and me and others) would have done the same thing back to him when he mentioned something that you didnt like. Asking. My husband is a HUGE Firefly fanboy. Continue with Recommended Cookies. I planned everything exactly the way he liked and it went down just like I thought it would. But as a kid/teen, I wanted him to play. But those are not her interests right now, although she does participate when he asks her to. I firmly believe that there is no such thing as reading too much. Others say no because the spouse is the one person who will always be there for you, no matter what. The variables didnt add up, but you were determined to hang in there and solve the situation by wits and endurance. lets_be_honest He wants her to watch history and science shows with him, and go hiking, camping and backpacking. Sometimes those things just happen. Is it forcing or is it parenting? Its full of teen girls going crazy for Star Trek. He didnt tell me The Right Stuff was a terrible song, he tried to play me some Beatles or Eagles to open my mind. We and our partners use data for Personalised ads and content, ad and content measurement, audience insights and product development. Things like going for ice cream. Make it easier for him to be his best self. Its no crime to roll your eyes at Buffy. She played Meribor (spelling.) You wouldnt even ask that of an adult; why do you expect a kid to be okay with it? But while we would toss a softball back and forth to help me work on not flinching, he would let me rattle on and on about whatever inane thing had my interest (I didnt read much fiction, beyond Harry Potter, but I read a lot of nature books, so I would talk about whatever animal I had been reading about recently.