short funny affirmations short funny affirmations

187. 26. 1. "Disconnect to connect.". 244. I am already great, and I am yet to reach my full potential. My house was clean yesterday, sorry you missed it. I am tough and resilient. HAM AND EGGS A days work for a chicken; A lifetime commitment for a pig. Short Positive Affirmations set the pace for your day. I enjoy taking long romantic walks, to the fridge. Dont worry, the spider is smaller than you. Im multitasking: I can listen, ignore and forget at the same time. Heres a giant list of funny affirmations to help you relax your mind with a little humor when youre stressed. Today, I look at my goals. The world needs people like me to keep things interesting!, 15. - Bette Midler. Following my intuition and my heart keeps me safe and sound. The best way to appreciate your job is to imagine yourself without one. Oscar Wilde, 5. The early bird catches the worm, eats more and dies sooner. When you fall, I will be there to catch you with love. 122. Watch popular content from the following creators: Maaryfairyy(@maaryfairyy), Jasmines Garden(@jasminesgarden23), Dazley(@dazzlemeup), JaySean(@jaysean), Nathalie Munoz(@nathaliemunozx3) . 74. 3. 52. It doesnt work if it is not open. 49. Consider what you want to accomplish using these witty affirmations, and go for the ones that will bring you closer to that goal. I am constantly growing and improving. I personally love watching masters of comedy, Feel free to pick a few of these affirmations and say them to yourself the next time youre. 105. 104. 2. 1. 221. What did one ocean say to the other ocean? I wonder, do we lazy people go to heaven or do they send someone to pick us up? 226. Why did the school kids eat their homework? Youre basically a houseplant with complicated emotions., 11. 149. Im not weird, Im just limited edition. 198. I will not let my mind be a bully to my body. If Monday had a face, I would punch it. The rest are too expensive. How do trees access the internet? 128. I ve had great success using daily affirmations for my personal development. Sorry, I didnt pick up my phone, I got carried away dancing to the ringtone. -Katrina Bowden. Bill Murray, 257. No matter how bad it gets, Im always rich when I go to the dollar store. Because they make up everything. Friends buy you food. As long as I have best friends as weird as me, I have everything., 10. What is Mozart doing right now? You might enjoy: Affirmations: 13 Answers You Should Know. As I become responsible, I have got more powers. - Jeffrey Gitomer. 188. God heals, and the doctor takes the fees. You can use affirmations to alleviate pressure in highly stressful scenarios, like taking an exam or going to a job interview. Tact is the ability to tell someone to go to hell in such a way that they look forward to the journey. 37. 137. I am loving all the bad experiences because they are giving me something . When you leave work on Friday, leave work. 32. Im full of funny ideas waiting to be expressed. 167. The future is shaped by your dreams, so stop wasting time and go to sleep. After Monday and Tuesday, even the calendar says W T F. 204. Pat Sajak 7. Billy Wilder. 181. Why did the school kids eat their homework? The only power you have is the word no. Decomposing. If you think nobody cares if youre alive, try missing a couple of car payments. Im old enough to know better, but young enough to do it anyway. I can have peace, even when people irritate me.. 184. Whatever you must do todaydo it with the confidence of a 4-year-old in a Batman cape., 2. avoid carbs. 216. 122. I attacked the floor and I believe I am winning. Live life to the fullest. 23. 155. Your eyes water when you yawn, because you miss your bed and it makes you sad. 53. Reciting witty affirmations can help you rise above any problems you encounter. [click_to_tweet tweet=I can always think of something funny to say. quote=I can always think of something funny to say. theme=style4], 2023 Oldtown Publishing LLC 479 State Route 17 N Robert A. Heinlein Some people are like clouds. Never ask a starfish for directions. If you have crazy friends you have everything youll ever need. Today I was a hero. It is what we can make of the mess we have made of things.'. Im not weird, Im just limited edition. Alright, get in the basket. I make people laugh, whether its with me or at me., 8. 111. Silence is golden, unless you have kids, then silence is just plain suspicious. 278. 80 Soren Kierkegaard Quotes On Love, Life And Philosophy, Top 90 Martin Luther King Jr. Chris Rock, 256. 76. I dont have everything I want, but I have all I need. Franklin Jones, 259. 13. Dave Barry. Paul Ehrlich Life would be tragic if it werent funny too. We may speak different languages, but we all laugh the same. 33. Affirmations can either be written down, spoken out loud, or visualized in the form of a conversation between money and you. Lily Tomlin 9. Discover short videos related to funny affirmations on TikTok. Lily Tomlin, 242. Forget the butterflies, I feel the entire zoo in my stomach when Im with you. 220. Absorb these 41 positive quotes and positive affirmations and start feeling positive now! I want to afford them., 2. There's value in patting yourself (and your friends) on the back.Positive affirmations are statements that can help brighten your outlook on the world when you say them to yourself regularly or write them down in a journal.While affirmations are no substitute for professional help such as therapy when you're experiencing anxiety or depression, those who swear by the power of uplifting . What we say not only affects our lives but also has an impact on those around us. It takes so little to change your life! If only common sense were more common. Its okay, he woke up. P.D. Common sense is like deodorant, those who need it the most never use it. 67. You never know what you have, until you clean your closet. So with that being said, heres a list of funny affirmations to motivate you to come out of your comedic shell. If Im not there, I go to work. Robert Orben, 4. Positive affirmations are a longstanding practice for those of us who need a little extra daily encouragement, and the best part isthey're free and they're flexible! 204. Steve Martin 171. You might enjoy: Affirmations: 13 Answers You Should Know Today, I laughed until my abs started hurting, so I can skip the gym. 3. 175. Short people with an umbrella. 10. 25. I would have appreciated exams if they had allowed our Pokemons and Ninjas. The world is my buffet, and my plate is ready to go. I crack the right joke at the perfect moment. Effective pushing often involves poop. Enjoy! A committee is a group that keeps the minutes and loses hours. Albert Einstein. I put my phone in airplane mode, but its not flying. 166. Alexa, please clean the negativity off of my mind please., 4. 155. Ken Dodd, 255. I will never let anyone treat me like a yellow starburst. I lost some weight once, but I found it again in the fridge. Gary Delaney I keep moving forward even if my pants come off. 270. 224. 132. Never let your best friends get lonely, keep disturbing them. Youre talking to yourself. Or maybe, you just love cracking jokes and making people laugh. Sam Levenson Friday Affirmations. I have no time to worry; I have to be awesome., 15. 140. Its what it is supposed to be, dont overthink and let it go. When our phones fall, we panic; but when our friends fall, we laugh. Most of the articles that Ive written about affirmations are about more serious topics: Lets keep things a little lighter in this article shall we? Nothing, they just waved. - Donald Trump. Man invented language to satisfy his deep need to complain. 243. Home: Where I can look ugly and not care. Lifes biggest struggle: I need to pee, but I dont want to get out of bed. 33. 142. I may not know karate, but I know crazy and Im not afraid to use it. Rodney Dangerfield, 198. 61. You are good enough, smart enough, beautiful enough, and strong enough. I walk in the direction of what feels good for my soul. .People who enjoy making other people laugh are also known to be more detail oriented. Life is like a very long TV show, without a remote control. 191. I radiate calmness and tranquility, with a little side of body odor., 4. You definitely dont want to kill the vibe by throwing a bad joke out there! Heres a list of important things to consider: Choosing the perfect affirmation from our list isnt much different. I have a new hairstyle today, its called I tried., 136. 9. 101. My to-do list doesnt include dealing with negative people. Take a look! Make the statements about yourself and for yourself. We need to hear a pin drop. 'If you would like to know the value of money, try to borrow some.'. "May your yoga pants be stretchy, your coffee be strong and your Wednesday be short.". I always dream of being a millionaire like my uncle. The most important thing to remember when using positive affirmations is that it is all about how you feel. These little phrases can be said aloud or written down anywhere to remind yourself that everything will turn out okay. Walter Bagehot What better way to do that than through your own self-talk? I am sorry not everyone will have the pleasure of knowing me. You try again, but no sound is coming out. People say you cant live without love, but I think oxygen is more important. Read next: 45 Self-Compassion Affirmations to Practice when Feeling Low. I know that I am stupid but when I look around me I feel a lot better. - Catherine Pulsifer. 240. Plus, youre never gonna become funny and charismatic by being afraid to speak your mind. At night, I cant fall asleep. Dave Barry But sometimes affirmations may not work. You can stop driving me crazy, I can walk from here. 78. It is, therefore, safe to say that, sense of humor can help you become successful in whatever you choose to do in life. Bill Murray 44. It is, therefore, safe to say that, sense of humor. Whats the best thing about Switzerland? How can you not like someone who can make you laugh? 267. You can only be young once. No one is immune to self-sabotage, heartbreak, loss, and failure. Whoever said great things come in small packages hasnt seen my big screen TV. 100. Share them with your friends and colleagues and make them smile too. I just go normal from time to time. A wishbone. Charles M. Schulz. The biggest critics of my books are the people who never read them. Dont worry if plan A fails, there are 25 more letters in the alphabet. As an Amazon Associate we earn from qualifying purchases. Over time, when you use these affirmations, your mind begins to equate new words with weight loss. Giving up on myself because of one setback is like slashing my other three tires because one is flat., 10. Because someone is always sitting on the deck. 24. This might be a work in progress, or you might need to remind yourself of how funny you actually are. 99. Every time I like the taste of the food, I am damn sure that its unhealthy for me. I am lazy till I get a motive. Making everyone angry, piece of cake. My past is just a bad book that deserves to be in the trash., 9. 2. 250. You might use humor as a coping mechanism. 112. 88. Gravitation cannot be held responsible for people falling in love. They have shown me exactly who I do not want to be., 15. Helen Giangregorio Im in desperate need of a 6-month vacation, twice a year. Find a short calm and peaceful moment in your day and use it for setting your mindset up for happiness. Theres no stopping me now. Albert King. 9. Franklin Jones And a funny bone., 10. I did not trip and fall. To conclude this list of funny affirmations, heres a few that are specifically focused around work. East. Never put off till tomorrow what you can do the day after tomorrow as well., 13. What is the difference between snowmen and snowwomen? What starts with E, ends with E, and has only 1 letter in it? People only rain on my parade because they are jealous of my sun and tired of their shade., 14. Using humor can help you bridge the gap and empower you to believe in affirmations and their outcome. I have a healthy body, tranquil mind and a vibrant soul. Its a door, thats how they work. I sometimes might be too much, but I am always enough. 19. I dont like morning people, or mornings, or people. A backbone. Here, we are listing down some awesome funny positive affirmations that will bring out serious positive changes in you. Things are getting better all the time. Our toaster has two settings: too soon or too late. 21. 222. If I am willing to go back to bed when I wake up, I will go and make up the bed. George Burns 110. By waking up and repeating this mantra, you will set the tone for the day. My wife and I were happy for 20 years, then we met. Affirmations for wealth can be a great way of getting your thoughts in order and creating a positive outlook. 30. 221. My feelings are just like acquaintances, they come and go., 5. My six pack is protected by a layer of fat. I hate Mondays, Tuesdays, Wednesdays, Thursdays, and half of Fridays. Use them as a tool to boost your self-esteem and productivity, as well as to overcome procrastination and complete all assigned tasks. 233. Hence, avoid using past or future tenses. Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died. Are these genes in your jeans or are you just happy to see me? 16. 173. 158. Hello little voice inside my head, please just shut up., 14. I live in a neighborhood so bad that you can get shot while getting shot. Do you believe in love at first sight, or should I walk by again? East Im describing you. Sometimes when I close my eyes, I cant see. My diet for today: 1% food, 99% Halloween candy. 2. Laughter also has a social aspect, as its the perfect way to bond with people. I see the funny side of life more and more. If nothing is impossible is it possible for something to be impossible? I asked my North Korean friend how it was there, he said he couldnt complain. I am thankful for all those difficult people in my life. Its scary when it disappears. Lazy people fact #2347827309018287. Henny Youngman I eat cake because its someones birthday somewhere today. God has never abandoned me. People wont be going to bed thinking about that one bad joke you made. The best things in life are free. Whatever the case may be, a sense of humor can go a long way toward changing your perspective on negative occurrences in your life. I am on a seafood diet. 218. 5. I dont like morning people, or mornings, or people. 107. Of course, I talk to myself, sometimes I need expert advice. If I won the award for laziness, I would send somebody to pick it up for me. Effective pushing often involves poop. I dont need you to remind me of my age at work, I have a bladder that will do that for me., 8. The most important aspect is being honest with yourself and opting for a meaningful statement. 56. "I am becoming humorous day by day.". When the past comes knocking, dont answer. I am healthy, I am wealthy, I am hot!, 14. Life always offers you a second chance. How do you count cows? Whats the best thing about Switzerland? Hi! 82. I have Alzheimers bulimia, first I eat everything in sight and then I forget to puke. Smiles are contagious, be a carrier. May life man not be perfect, but Im blessed., 13. Why cry for someone when you can laugh next to someone else? Im not lazy, Im on power saving mode. grateful. 95. Who says nothing is impossible? Ive made it from the bed to the couch. In between, I am alive., 7. I know that I am stupid but when I look around me I feel a lot better. A bargain is something you dont need at a price you cant resist. Pleasing everyone, thats impossible. Excuse me, I need to go be awesome today. Did you hear about the kidnapping at school? Excuse me, I need to go be awesome today. Youre born free, then youre taxed to death. 217. Don't forget to be awesome. If Cinderellas shoe fit perfectly, then why did it fall off? The rest are too expensive. Every day I get up and look through the Forbes list of the richest people in America. Revenge sounds so mean, thats why I prefer to call it Returning the favor. 54. "Life is like an elevator - Sometimes it stops. Because their teacher told them it was a piece of cake. If I won the award for laziness, I would send somebody to pick it up for me. Yes, officer, I saw the speed limit, I just didnt see your car. What happens to a frogs car when it breaks down? 188. If I want a squirrel to like me, I guess I gotta act like a nut., 6. Any text will do. Sometimes I wish I was an octopus, so I could slap eight people at once. My funny vibes attract my happy tribe. Use this space for describing your block. An apple a day keeps anyone a way, if you throw it hard enough. My windows arent dirty, my dog is painting. The man who smiles when things go wrong has thought of someone to blame it on. 100 Funny Christmas Quotes. Never put off till tomorrow what you can do the day after tomorrow as well. - Marcus Tullius Cicero. 24. All my life I thought air was free, until I bought a bag of chips. It can get you out of a tight corner and people who lack a sense of humor cannot do. If at first, you dont succeed, so much for skydiving. Dont let anything or anyone stop you from achieving what you truly aspire. Similar to how it's important to minimize distractions in the workplace, you need a few minutes of peace to focus and mindfully say your affirmations. Exercise? 156. Your habits become your values. We all have baggage, find someone who loves you enough to help you unpack. What did the blanket say when it fell off the bed? 97. Charles M. Schulz 236. 176. I dont worry about getting older. I wonder how police on bikes arrest people. A perfectly executed joke, said at a right time and at a right place, can change an awkward situation into a comfortable one. 1. I dont need anger management, you just need to stop making me angry. 65. can help you become successful in whatever you choose to do in life. ~ Bill Gates. Flip Wilson So with that being said, heres a list of funny affirmations. 265. I didnt give a f*ck yesterday, I dont give a f*ck today, and I wont give a f*ck tomorrow either. 14. 47. 11. Lord, keep your arm around my shoulder and your hand over my mouth., 9. To make time fly, throw your watch out the window. Give me a photo of you so I can show Santa what I want for Christmas. One thing you need to remember though; if you are going to be funny, then make sure youre actually funny. Below youll find a collection of funny affirmations for work that will help you stay motivated and fight the work stress more efficiently. 1. I said no to drugs, but they just wouldnt listen. What did one ocean say to the other ocean? 246. 81. If nothing is impossible is it possible for something to be impossible? 232. No, but April may. 229. Short Positive Daily Affirmations. 9. 144. Not me, but somebody does. 257. 261. Whats the difference between a guitar and a fish? I overcome fears by following my dreams. 1. Friends come and go, but enemies remain and build up. Benjamin Franklin Czech proverb, 261. We need to hear a pin drop. Laughter can help you see the humor in otherwise grim situations. 277. 211. Never forget that broken crayons can also color. Your life is your message to the world. Treat me like a joke and Ill leave you like its funny. Without further ado, let's look at 20 funny affirmations to build your self-esteem. On Mercury, a day lasts 1,408 hours. 70. Today Im going to reach for the stars so that I can air out my armpits., 8. As you walk down the fairway of life you must smell the roses, for you only get to play one round. There are no stupid questions, just stupid people. , we dont need our internal dialogue to pile on too. Perhaps youre just starting to use affirmations and still cant take yourself seriously. We all have different and distinctive senses of humor thats what makes us such unique individuals. I train my body. 92. "Lord, keep your arm around my shoulder and your hand over my mouth.". 167. 1. Ensure that your actions match your words. If you think your boss is stupid, remember: you wouldnt have a job if he was any smarter. John Gotti, 6. If only common sense were more common. 123. Im sorry that Im not updating my Facebook status, my cat ate my mouse. I release all shame about my body. I am not only pretty but also pretty awesome, pretty smart, and pretty kind. I will tell the negative voice inside my head to shut up. 138. 2. Never test how deep the water is with both feet. 233. I honor that time. 245. With a cowculator. Even on my worst days, turning on some stand up immediately puts me in a better mood. I didnt give you the finger, you earned it. I can engage in small acts of kindness to uplift other people. 159. I didnt want to interrupt her. 275. For beginners who still struggle with letting their voice out, I recommend starting with funny affirmations that will relax you and make you laugh. If you cant remember my name, just say chocolate and Ill turn around.. 127. Never judge a book by its movie. Youre just gonna feel embarrassed for a minute or two and then it will be over. 59. No matter how bad it gets Im always rich when I go to the dollar store. Sam Levenson George Burns, 253. All you need is love. 201. 3. Im not insulting you. 6. Why cant you trust an atom? 200. If the funny affirmations that Ive put together dont break your cool, then feel free to throw on a comedy special on Netflix or Youtube when you feel stressed. I'm doing great. 28. I am lazier after accomplishing the motive. I make a difference by showing up fully. You need some sort of way to offset the inevitable stressors of life, and what better way to do that than with humor? I am full of vitality. - Unknown. I am intelligent. I will go out. 162. If you steal from one author, its plagiarism; if you steal from many, its research. Youre born free, then youre taxed to death. How do astronomers organize a party? Pampered cows produce spoiled milk. Maybe if we tell people the brain is an app, theyll start using it. Youll probably grin or laugh if you say these affirmations aloud, thinking youre crazy. Really? Not saying I hate you, but if your face was on fire and I had a glass of water, Id drink it. If you think nothing is impossible, try slamming a revolving door. 18 Funny Positive Affirmations. 206. These funny ideas are smart and a bit sarcastic and will bring a smile to your face. Actually, you dont have to imagine. And, it doesnt have to be hard or complicated! My friends are like rocks, they help me through hard times. Life is 10% of what happens to you and 90% of how you react to it. To err is human, but to really foul things up you need a computer. I nourish my body every day. Why was six scared of seven? I am joyful for achieving the ones I did. You wanna know who Im in love with? Finding humor in a difficult situation helps me win. Allow your body to absorb the positivity of your words by repeating them to yourself. Sincerely, the floor. I dont suffer from insanity. I dont know, but the flag is a big plus. You know you are lazy when you get excited about canceling your plans. 215. 22. I teach my kids good things in sarcastic ways. 7. God's promises are here to give you perfect peace, good news, renew your strength and reveal the will of God in your life. 255. 4. Description for this block. The library, because it has so many stories. If you feel like todays not your day and the best thing would be to stay in bed, Ive got something that will cheer you up. 168. If Cinderellas shoe fit perfectly, then why did it fall off? 3. Work smarter, not for owning iPhones, but for not fearing their breaks. My feelings are just like acquaintances, they come and go. 80. With great power comes an even greater electricity bill. Be careful when you follow the masses. 209. Laughter has always been lauded for its therapeutic effects. Yes, of course, I am athletic, I surf the Internet every day. 57. Walter Bagehot. Making everyone angry, piece of cake. Life is always rocky when youre a gem. 38. We all need a little energy boost here and there. 157. 178. I dont need excuses, because I never mess things up. Jackie Collins, 240. I really should do something with my life, maybe tomorrow. 269. 196. Albert Einstein, 190. Smile today, tomorrow could be worse. Ive been doing nothing for years. Once you're feeling happy and confident about your sense of humor, use these 35 affirmations to navigate challenging situations with a smile. 69. 60. Papercut: A trees final moment of revenge. I only check my voicemail to get rid of the annoying little icon. I will shine like fireworks on the Fourth of July. I dont need you to remind me of my age at work, I have a bladder that will do that for me. 144. I could agree with you, but then wed both be wrong. 34. I know the best time to make fun. Common sense is like deodorant, those who need it the most never use it. Exercise? The difference between stupidity and genius is that genius has its limits. 8. 62. Nine out of ten people love chocolate, and the 10th person is always lying. Life gives the test first and then the lesson. When nothing is going right, go left. The great pleasure in life is doing what people say you cannot do. If I lose my hopes, I am afraid my mom will still scold me for taking it out and showing it to friends. 55. 13. 42. Enjoy! Nothing, they just waved. "Sometimes the best part of my job is that the chair swivels.". Monday I shall slay thee with me mighty cup of coffee. I believe we should all pay our tax bill with a smile. But it'll move up again.". Whats the difference between a guitar and a fish? 71. You can also think of your affirmations while you work, drive, do yoga, or simply enjoy time with friends. It may feel useless but just get into it. When shit hits the fan at work, I turn it into fertilizer., 10. 99. Fortunately, theres a way to reap the benefits of these powerful statements by giving them a humorous twist. When I was in high school I had two favorite subjects, lunch and recess. Dont give up on your dreams so soon, sleep longer. 164. Benjamin Franklin. I may not know karate, but I know crazy and Im not afraid to use it. I wish my wallet came with free refills. Square box, round pizza, triangle slices, now thats confusing. 10. I don't entertain negativity in any shape or form. 91. In life, sometimes you just need to break the tension with a little humor. 169. Well, I guess I have to be odd to be number one. Whether its because of a bad breakup or just feeling really down, there are ways to look on the bright side and come out on top. Do you believe in love at first sight, or should I walk by again? Im sorry, but thats just the way I am. Dont worry if plan A fails, there are 25 more letters in the alphabet. 2. Why is England the wettest country? 18. Sam Levenson. Whatever the case may be, these 15 affirmations will make you feel confident in your sense of humor: Once youre feeling happy and confident about your sense of humor, use these 35 affirmations to navigate challenging situations with a smile. Quotes that make no sense Photo: pexels.com (modified by author) Source: UGC. Short people with an umbrella. Words have the power to make or break us. I stick to things until I get to my destination., 12. 127. Be strong, I whispered to my WiFi signal. Remember, no one can make you feel anything other than what YOU allow yourself. Bill Murray, 258.